Email Number 1:
Dear Apple, I love your trademarked slogan “There’s An App for That.” I’m impressed that you have almost half a million applications (Woops. I mean “apps”) available for download. With that many, I’m sure you have an app which will explain something for me. Here it is: I need an app to tell me why there is so much suffering in the world. Hurricanes, droughts, tsunamis… why?
Dear Apple Customer: There is already an app for that. It’s the Bible. We have lots of versions in lots of languages. But we bet you’ve got one or two around your house already.
Email Number 2:
Dear Apple, thousands of people around the world have joined your community of app developers. Certainly one of your thousands of developers has an app to solve a problem I have. I have made serious moral errors, and I can’t forgive myself. Every night I am haunted by them. Please have one of your developers come up with something to help me find peace and forgiveness.
Dear Apple Customer: Sorry, but you need a Savior. He’s already available to you. Just call his name, and he will come to you and forgive you. His name is Jesus.
Email Number 3
Dear Apple, Congratulations! Last year the word “app” was named Word of the Year by the American Dialect Society. With so much going for you, I’m sure you can provide me with just the app I need. You see, I got mad at my boss and got fired. Now I take my anger out on myself and I’m depressed. Do you have an app that will help me?
Dear Apple Customer: Sorry, we don’t. But you will find healing power available from God. You don’t even need a computer. Just close your eyes and pray.
Email Number 4:
Dear Apple, your customers have gotten more than 10 billion downloads from your app store since you opened in 2008. With that many downloads, I’m sure you can help me. I need an app to inspire me to work for change in my town. Poverty, social divisiveness, crime, gossip, rumor-mongering, it’s all pretty bad, and I know I have what it takes to make my town a better place. But I need some inspiration, some hope… and somebody to stand with me when the going gets tough. Do you have an app for that?
Dear Apple Customer: Sorry, you already have the help you need. It’s down at your local church. You don’t need a download. You need to download yourself into your car and upload yourself into a pew!
— Paul Wood